I Was Raped

I Was Sexually Abused By My Uncle And Raped By My Cousin's Best Friend 

(Before you start reading I would like to let u know that by time you finish reading this you nevr know if I still may be alive because it was so hard to write this since I felt like i was reliving every moment through every specific detail that happened to me that nobody should have to go through) My life is really ****** up and full of bullshit. Everyday I just want to crawl into a small space and die so i can i can  be relieved from all the pain and humiliation I've been through and I'm still feeling. Ever since I was 10 years old I have been sexually abused by the one i trusted and wasn't supposed to hurt me. It was my uncle. Whenever he had the chance to come ovr and babysit me which was everyday, he would rape me  or molest me., which ever one he  felt was neccessary to fullfill his needs. The first tyme this happened my mom called him and asked him to babysit. He walked in my room, smiled at me and looked at me up and down., I just smiled back at me but little did I kno the actual reason he was smiling. He sat by me on my bed and started to rub my arm. I looked at him and asked him what he was doing. He said he knew a way to make me a woman. I started to get worried so I tried to get up which made he mad. He grabbed me by my arm and laid me back on the bed. He started to kiss me on my mouth. I started to cry and beg him to stop, but all i got was a slap in the face. He told me it would make me feel good and he knew I wanted it. He pinned both of my hands in his one of his hands and started to take off my clothes. He told me if i screamed it would only make it worse. He took his clothes off and put a condom on and started to rape me. I cried and begged him to stop.  I tried to fight my way from underneath him but I couldn't he was too strong. I kept telling him he was hurting me but he wouldn't listen. All I could hear was his moaning and groaning in my ear and all i could feel was his sweat and kisses that trailed down my body. Until after about  a half an hour he was finally down. He got up, put his clothes back on, grabbed me by my face and told me if i told anyone he would kill me. He smiled and left my room. All i could do was lay on the bed sobbing hoping that evrything would b ok. But it wasn't. I felt pain and most of all sick and dirty from what he did. I never thought he would do something like that. I finally crawled into the bathroom and took the hottest shower I ever could and scrubbed myself raw and just laid in the shower crying. Ever since that day my life has nevr been the same. He finally stopped after five years  when I was raped by my cousin's best friend. My uncle for some reason could tell that I was raped by someone else because he didn't get the same feeling as he used to ever since the first time he raped me., especially from me being a virgin at the age of ten.. He would usually felt  satisfied and accomplished since he was the only person that I've ever had  ''sex'' with. But anyway like I was saying, i was raped by my cousin's best friend. My cousin had to go to the mal to pick up his little brother which was like a 2 hour drive. He thought since his friend was there that I would b ok so he finally left. After about 10 minutes from my cousin's leaving, his friend started to flirt with me. He started to touch my arm and rub it. I started to get scared since everything that I've been through with my uncle and all and that's how it would all start by the touching of my arm. I asked him if he could stop touching me and stay away from me please. He got so mad. He grabbed me by both of my arms and told me that if he wanted me he was going to take me. He kissed me roughly on my mouth and i started to cry. I begged him to please don't do this. He didn't care. He looked at my body up and down and threw me on the bed. He tore a piece of an old shirt from my cousin's shirt off and tied me to the bed. I was kicking and screaming and crying all at the same time. I kept saying no and to stop, but he didn't care. He got on top of me and slowly started to take off my clothes. He said he wanted me to remember this  for my whole entire life.  He took off his clothes and got something out of his pants pocket and took out a condom. I started to cry harder because I knew what was going to happen next. He put the condom on  and laid down on top of me. He kissed me and started going down my neck all the way down to my stomach. Then i felt a sharp pain that felt like it would last forever. He was raping me. I tried so hard to get him off of me and release the bonds that were tying my hands together, but it was no use.  He said he knew I liked it and he said it was sad that he wasn't my first.  He slapped me and told me to shut up. I have bruises that I feel would last a lifetime. Finally after a hour he was done. He got off of me, untied my hands , got dressed and told me if I told my cousin what happend he would come after me and it would be worse the next time, especially with more people. I got dressed and went into the bathroom and locked the door and cried laying on the floor. I didn't open the door until my cousin pulled up into the drive way. I was so quiet and looked like i was hurt so my cousin asked me if i was ok. I looked at his friend who had a glare on his face and looked at my cousin and put a fake smile on my face and said i was fine. He finally took me home. So as you can definitely see rape and sexual abuse has a major part in my life and i feel it will control me no matter where i go no matter what i do. I just want the numbness, pain and misery to go away and leave me the **** alone. I still cut myself and i have tried to commit suicide 3 times. One of those tymes was almost successful  (i took an entire bottle of sleeping pills) , but i ended up in the hospital. I still try to because i feel as though the sooner i die the better off i'll  be  and so will my family be not having to deal with me and my issues.......even though they don't know the truth behind me trying to commit suicide and cutting.  No one knows what I feel and have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life!